The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?