my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
LOOOOOOL
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
scares
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Bring back the McRib