@rachaelkelly18: The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today
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@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: Man, it was cold last night! Me: I had my heat on. CW: I meant outside. Me: I don't live outside. CW...
@jessforaminute: *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child
@ValeeGrrl: 7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*