I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.