The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
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A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.