@Kyle_Lippert: The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
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@fuzzlime: A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.
@krishna_van: I don't always say 'oops', but when I do, it's usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
@withanewname: "Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me." [whole room] "AFTER ME" "Ok fellas, lets start here"
@soandrewyang: *at funeral* ME: I know how you feel FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel-- ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack