@Kyle_Lippert: The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
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@david8hughes: Therapist: do u communicate with your kids? Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
@aksorojas: fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt* fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
@Sheginger: My healthy friend invites me to dinner Me: But you said pasta. Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn't that cool? Me: Yep. More wine please.
@schumoo: Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.