The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Only a mother’s love …
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Same pineapple, same
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?