The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
sir, my pâté if you please
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?