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[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.