The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
New Tinder profile.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.