Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
You Might Also Like
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-