Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
peeping toms
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then