The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Lmaoo 😂
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE