The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
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If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Birds & Planes.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron