The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
My wife gives the best headache.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese