@just1fool: The last beer didn't tell me why life is so confusing but it told me the next one would.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she? Me: What do you mean? 4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
@Schooney_Tunes: Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they'd be extra soft.
@bakerbakerbaker: friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven? me: who all going?