Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
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My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[eulogy]
line?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.