Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
i made a craigslist ad !
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.