I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Love is in the air fryer.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor