[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all