[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
so i’m at the stock market right
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes