The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
me hitting on a model
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
can’t catch a break
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman