The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
What a year we’ve had this week.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
In Canada they just call them geese
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
this is the best interaction on twitter
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.