The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”