@WeissBrandon: When I see a couple and the women's pregnant. I always walk up and YELL "why don't you tell him who is really the father." and walk away

@gruffybeard: The Jews probably would've wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.

@JaymayAllDay: 1st grade: Color inside the lines. 10th grade: Color outside the lines. Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

@Cryptoterra: My sense of humor has been described as "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"

@TheTweetOfGod: Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.