The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
relationship goals
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Does it…does it take 3 days
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.