The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
You Might Also Like
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My blood type is b hungry.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
And that about sums it up.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
WWE is French for “yes”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar