The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Nice try Hitler
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send