@withanewname: The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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@JeffSarcastic: [dinner negotiations] Wife: where do you want to go to eat? Me: ugh Wife: Me: you pick Wife: I'm craving kale Me: I'll pick
@juneohara65: Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: "Are you on any meds?" Me: "You might want to grab a notebook."
@BradBroaddus: My wife just opened my car door for me. Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
@MaiPareshaan: This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that "it stays in your system forever," so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.