The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
adam and eve had first world problems
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.