@LisaFarted: The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.
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@FatherWithTwins: My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, "isn't my undying love & affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store
@gogglepossum: [me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter] Wife: what are you doing? Me [looking around for excuse] just...changing my tampon
@rambo_dogg: If Romeo & Juliet didn't die and were allowed to marry, they'd have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other. So it was a happy ending
@Just_some_girl2: Seeing twin toddler red haired girls on leashes in Target was my birth control reminder for the day.