Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
so weird how every mom was born today
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.