The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
still the best tweet of the year by far
tinder is all about the long game
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
just gave your address to some spiders
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.