The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
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Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Am I having a stroke?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I’m listening
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you