@Neauxpe: The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.
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@foxnerdrn: If he doesn't sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he's not as into you as I am.
@LackOfShame: H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower! Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower. H: Yeah but you're not in it right now, I am.
@LoveNLunchmeat: No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I'd eat a wizard.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Bank robbery] *Other robbers jump into getaway van* "DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!" "Okie dokie." * Starts to adjust mirrors*