The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
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Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
What the hell is going on?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us