The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
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My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.