@man_spach: The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn't take 6 hours to poop.
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@jonnysun: i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
@ArfMeasures: WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP MIDWIFE: The baby's WIFE: NO, THE NOISE ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?
@MatCro: GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
@LinajkReturns: Don't you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?