@BoomBoomBetty: The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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@Thing_Finder: TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
@WilliamAder: Do those "selfie sticks" retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
@Pundamentalism: To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
@Sean_Burgundy_: [1st date] Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma'am ? Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?