@BoomBoomBetty: The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money? Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff? She’s a criminal mastermind.
@lwhit_the_boss: The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I'm amazed I haven't tried to date it yet
@Ristolable: He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
@AnkCoupleTO:  Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people Henchman 1: New STD? S: No H2: Incurable virus? S: No H3: A cameraphone S: Nice