The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The opposite of goth is stopth.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
at ease…shoulder.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy