The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.