The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Netflix and you sit over there.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.