The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
sin harder.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr