The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
☠️☠️☠️
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system