The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
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I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.