Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
🤣
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.