[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
You Might Also Like
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there