“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
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The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.