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Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I came this close!!!!
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
satan: not today, microsoft teams
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses