The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
This pepper has seen some shit
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums