me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder