The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
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ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this