I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Single and childfree like Jesus
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.