@NasriAtallah: The little-known fourth major monotheistic religion...
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@Josievorenkamp: Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
@MikeMcNeil_: Maybe your dog is barking at my bag because he doesn’t want to work in law enforcement anymore.
@philco816: Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy. Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though. Mb: I don't care just get it done.
@Terdoh: Me: And what do you do if I tell you I'm having a heart attack? Siri: I clear your browser history. Me: That's right darling.