The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.