The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
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If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there