The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
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I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me: