@realHamOnWry: The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It's called Jack-It-In-The-Box.
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@bourgeoisalien: Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
@HeyZeus666: The key ingredients for a successful diet : Duct tape Rope Rat poison Shovel Bag of lime Alibi What?...wait. Wrong list.
@joejwest: [roulette] ME: [slaps table] 50 on red CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
@milehighocd: Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye. Her: Why? Me: *stabs fork into eye*