The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
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left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Sending in my taxes
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes